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Etiquette
I’ve discovered that people in the BDSM scene are the nicest I’ve encountered of my life. It seems to me that people who have had to ask why they were different from others then decided to stand up for themselves are more inclined to be open minded and friendly. However, in the BDSM scene as in anywhere in life, there are a couple of simple things you can do to make people warmer and have a better time and relationship with them.
Be courteous. Be empathic. Be respectful.
If you feel like talking to someone, introduce yourself nicely, possibly with a nice thing to say about something you have noticed about him or her. However, be frank as inventing a compliment won’t get you anywhere, since most of the time it’ll come out as being insincere. [Courtesy]
Try to be on the lookout for possible space “invasion”. It is possible this is not the best time to talk to someone, they might already be engaged in a personal and important conversation or might not be feeling like talking to you just now. [Empathy] If you sense this, excuse yourself and leave. If the person wants to talk to you, since the ice has been broken, they will go in time. [Respect]
One personal thing that I rather hate as an icebreaker is being asked whether I’m dominant or submissive. It’s so restrictive, and it might sound strange to some, but I find it to be a very personal and complex question that I don’t feel comfortable discussing with strangers.
What follows is in my opinion the preferred behaviour in a bar or party where public play can happen.
First thing, find out what the dress code is. No point in getting turned around at the door or in drastically clashing with all the rest. If you are not sure about what to wear, stick to black. It should be a common ground for most places. Once you are in, if you are like me, you might want to spot the bar since it might be your best friend for the rest of the evening. Unless you don’t drink, but then HEY wait! Some people don’t drink?? All jokes set aside, don’t drink too much, especially if you plan on being invited to a scene. There’s nothing worse then a drunk player, but I’ll get to that later.
If you are new to the place, look around discreetly to find out how people are behaving around a scene as this can serve as your best guide to act appropriately.
If you assist to a scene, think golf (even if you’d rather not). Meaning you have to keep the talking to a minimum around the scene, and do not under any circumstance interrupt the players. Unless there is an obvious threat to your life or someone else’s. And no, monkeys are not a serious threat. So even if you think the scene should be played otherwise, or feel that you’d have a useful comment to make, keep it to yourself. Would you like someone making comments on your sexual performance while you are in the act? At any rate, if you are not satisfied or do not like the way the people play, just leave the scene and come back later. Being judgemental of other people’s likings and activities would be the stupidest thing you could ever do. Keep an open mind and be tolerant. Remember that other people have different tastes then yours and none are better or worst.
Always keep some distance. Receiving the tip of a whip in the eye is not the most pleasant of things. Well, unless it’s your fetish, to each it’s own…(See? I'm not judging!)
Even if the scene seems finished to you, it is not necessarily the time to address the players. They might need to be together so give them time to calm down. See it as a post orgasmic cigarette break ;)
Now, I’ve heard some people recommend not actively watching a scene, but I disagree. I think that if the people playing would rather not have anyone watch, then maybe they should consider private play. However it doesn’t mean you can touch or talk to the players. AND it is not a reason to try to fondle yourself in public unless specifically told otherwise. Wankers are, well, wankers.
Try not to mobilize bondage or play items for nothing (like sitting on it or leaning against it) as it might prevent people who actually want to use them from doing so and for heaven's sake DO NOT TOUCH OBJECTS THAT DO NOT BELONG TO YOU. They might be sterilized, fragile or belonging to people not wanting strangers to play with their toys! If you really can't help it at least ask before!
If the place accepts smokers, use ashtrays. Dropping your cigarette on the floor around a scene is a very bad thing to do. Someone might use the space to have a slave crawl and your cigarette butt is more then probably unwelcomed. Plus it will make the person who’ll clean a little happier.
If you’d like to play with someone, ask them politely. But first try to determine if the person seems to be a slave. If it’s the case, be considerate and ask the master first. In any case, never touch someone unless you are sure it is welcomed. React properly if they say no and don’t take it personally; it probably has nothing to do with you. There are tons of good reasons for someone not to want to get into play with charming you and they are not all related to you, you self-centred thing.
If someone accepts to play with you or asks you to join their play, set out your rules and ask theirs. Clear communication is the key to good play and will prevent unwanted problems and worries, and make it clear and quick to avoid breaking the mood. If you are a bottom, you can site your preferences and establish your limits. An agreement on a safeword is always wise. If you are the top, know the person’s threshold of pain. If the person has a master, make sure to always ask him about doing something more intimate. Most masters will not want anyone but themselves touching their slave’s genitals.
Play safe. If any body fluids are to be exchanged protect yourself.
Once you’ve finished playing, always clean after yourself to make sure other people can use the space after you.
As I said before, avoid drinking too much. Alcohol might be great to give you some confidence to play if you are new (well, even if you are not) but drinking too much will impair your judgment (yes, it’s true, alcohol can make you drunk!) and you might end up going too far and regretting the event, or misjudging someone’s body language and do something they might resent. Also avoid playing with someone that is obviously drunk for, well, the same reasons. I used to take part in mild public play and completely stopped after a bad experience involving a self centred jerk, so make sure you are not that jerk.
At any time, if you are unsure about something, refrain from doing it, or politely ask someone for advice. Something that might seem acceptable to you might actually take the jelly out of someone else’s donut.
As a last comment, I would advise you to avoid mentioning who you saw or what they did to others. Some people might not want their interest in the BDSM scene known publicly and even if you don’t plan on mentioning names when describing an evening it is best to leave out details that could identify someone. It would be a horrible thing for someone to loose their job/spouse/friends/family/dog because of something you said.
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